Arbitrary Rules of Engagement.

Arbitrary Rules of Engagement

Let me just preface this with this statement: I should be grading. I have perfected the art of procrastination. However, I’ve been thinking a lot the last few days about RULES. Not the law kind of rules, but the rules that we create to make sense of chaos and to protect ourselves.

I absolutely have them. I have categories of men that I won’t date. I told myself 7 months post separation was “too soon” to try another relationship.

Someone my ex was dating had rules about how she wouldn’t date a man who was separated.

My therapist suggested that I not date a man who hasn’t been married or had a child.

I see all of these rules on tiktok. “Here are the five men I won’t date.” “Don’t have sex on the first date.”

“If he wanted to, he would”

“Catch flights, not feelings”

“There’s no such thing as the right person, wrong time”

Blah blah.

But then I think of my *exceptions* to rules that I know. I know men who desperately wanted to be married, but got cheated on, or broken up with, and now all of a sudden, they are *red flag* age and unmarried. I know people who wanted children but weren’t in the position to have them (isn’t that better than having them, unwanted?)

My ex and I were discussing this the other day. Everyone else likes to give advice, thinks they know, but the reality is that only you know. The problem is, that even we don’t really know. Any time another person is in the equation, we can only hazard a guess, unless they communicate.

Lordy lord are we poor communicators.

Why? We are all so terrified of getting hurt, of failure. We are a society that refuses to allow endings. Endings mean failure. The problem is that we need failure to grow.

I see this desperate desire for connection, particularly post-COVID, but we’ve really fucked ourselves with how to be able to get there.

Maybe we need to spend more time understanding the value drive behind a rule before we make one. What’s behind the “wait a year post divorce to date?” rule I see everywhere? Is that the case for everyone? My marriage was over well before we separated, but what my statement should have been is “I need to be in a better situation for myself mentally and financially before I start dating again,” not, “7 months is too soon.”

If the answer is, “I might get hurt again,” then that needs to be evaluated, because guess what. We can’t create rules to completely protect us.

I’m off all social media and I’m definitely being a hermit right now, because I’m working on my own intuition. Generally, human beings are really poor at predicting what will make us happy. I sat in on a training this week that was a fantastic reminder that many of us are just trauma reacting our way through life. It takes an enormous amount of energy to pull ourselves out and to engage our executive functioning, and we’re all so tired that it seems impossible sometimes. We are all so responsive with fight or flight; our brains have been in hyperdrive survival mode the entire COVID pandemic. Think about it – how many of us were worried about our health, others’ health, our economic survival. We live in a country with no safety nets. We have no room for failure, which is counter to what we actually need to be able to do.

These rules of engagement are often trauma responses. We can’t make rules about people, because everyone is different. What we *can* do, however, is make rules about how we expect to be treated by people. There’s a difference there.

Yes, it means more vulnerability. It means more effort. But nothing good comes without effort. If we have a heart safety net, if we have a greater social battery, would there be more love and connection in the world?

I read this article the other day and it was fascinating to me, and also depressing. The article is here: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-state-our-unions/202208/the-rise-lonely-single-men

Another follow up on Jezebel rightfully acknowledges that the more lonely, single men there are, the more they blame women, and the more incels/antifeminist men we get.

What. A. Fucking. Mess.

I didn’t mean for this blog about rules to go sideways into depressionville, but we’re all just building up walls. Impenetrable, guarded walls. We create rules to keep us from getting hurt, but we’re also getting lonelier in the process. It’s a snake eating its own tail.

The reality is that these rules are often more for our own sense of control than anything. I mean, in some cases, rules are about a mismatch in values, which I think is another issue entirely. If you believe abortion isn’t an unalienable right for women, then goodbye. That’s a value issue. Someone’s job, or the color of their hair, or their dating history isn’t always going to mean that your rule is correct. You really have to ask yourself if your rule is really helping you weed people out, or an arbitrary rule designed to feel like you have control over a situation you feel out of control in.

This is one of the dangers of gen pop coaching; creating advice for the masses. A good coach, therapist will help you explore your own feelings, your own intuition. You are no special snowflake but you also are a unique individual with your own experiences, feelings, and situations. They help you identify safety risks, identify patterns, but these patterns are more about value orientation and attachment. They have less to do with the superficial and more to do with our own stuff. If we have a solid foundation, a safety net, a set of expectations for how we expect to be treated, we have more freedom and flexibility to address “the rules.” I’m really starting to feel, though, that we are a little too rule-bound and it’s hurting us.

I mean, I guess it’s a fine line. We are definitely prone to self-destructive behaviors. We can definitely get ourselves into dangerous situations. I think a lot of it, though, truly comes down to being able to sit with discomfort and use that to grow. That requires a whole lot of energy, safety, and support.

But is rigidity not an act of self-destruction and self-sabotage? I leave you with this: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-mindful-self-express/201806/the-top-3-reasons-why-you-self-sabotage-and-how-stop

What rules are actually keeping you back from growth, or getting what you want? What rules are actually providing safety, and which are a safety blanket?