The Dark Place.

A friend of mine recently lapsed after 2 years of sobriety. Not a full relapse, but it's been a really challenging time for him. We’ve spent a lot of time talking recently, and it has reminded me of just how hard sustained behavior change is. It’s so easy to fall into this place where we start to believe negative thoughts and seek numbness, or try to fulfill our lives in easy but meaningless ways, ways that don’t truly fulfill us. I’ve started referring to this as “The Dark Place.”

I’ve experienced childhood trauma. My career choice has exposed me to an inordinate amount of trauma through my training, my experiences, the things I read and teach about, which, in all honesty, the amount of trauma I’ve experiences is occurring to me for the first time ever as I write this blog post.

My training exposed me to the vile acts human beings can do to one another. Prisons, jails, inpatient facilities, hospitals. I don’t just mean what the people in there did, but more specifically, what was done to the people in these places. People don’t end up there because they had a happy, supportive life. Trauma after trauma. I teach trauma. I am immersed in it, personally and professionally.

The dark places. The dark place.

What is the dark place? The dark place is where your mind tells you you’re comfortable where you are, even if you’re unhappy. The dark place is enticing, it’s warm, it’s familiar. It’s the most toxic and enticing of friends. Where your thoughts tell you terrible things about yourself and other people. The dark place wants you to numb your pain with alcohol, drug, sex, food, money, whatever. The dark place is sneaky. The dark place is devoid of love, of connection. The dark place tricks you into thinking you’re happier with one more glass of wine, meaningless casual sex, filling your body with drugs until you’re so numb you can’t feel anymore. The dark place can be staying in an unfulfilling relationship or a job, pouring all of your attention into work, isolating...because the dark place tells us it’s what we deserve, and it could be worse, and why would you mess up a good thing when it could go wrong, and…

Now I’m not talking about the occasional hedonistic dalliance. I love a good decadent meal, maybe one more glass of wine than I should have sometimes, and a good romp with a semi-stranger. The issue is when you’re in the dark place, it’s not about pleasure. It’s about filling a void, preventing feeling, or trying to feel something positive in a way that misses the core of who we are as people. Connection. We need connection, and love. But there’s no connection or love in the dark place. There’s no vulnerability in the dark place. We can’t get hurt worse than we already have in the dark place, which is the draw, which makes gives it us a false sense of safety and security. We delude ourselves into thinking that we have what we want, that it’s all we need, we don’t need anyone or anything except for the pleasures of the dark place. There is comfort where we rest in the dark place.

A colleague of mine who has experienced far worse traumas than I said to me the other day, “One of the things I admire the most about you is your resiliency and belief in others.” I laughed, and I do laugh, because while my life has been devoted to pulling people out of, and keeping them out of the dark place, I know that I am sometimes barely afloat. Sometimes, I feel like a fraud. Proclaiming about the beauty and resiliency of the human spirit and the belief I have in people, then coming home and sinking into the couch, thinking about the dark place. Feeling the warmth of the dark place, inviting me to come and rest awhile… the temptation to slide into the dark place is there for me, too.

It is a daily battle for some, for many, to stay out of the quicksand of the dark place. Each time you go into the dark place, it becomes a little harder to pull yourself out the next time. Some people fully succumb to the dark place.

This beautiful man I dated for a short time; I saw him going into the dark place. I could see it in his eyes. I wanted to save him, but I think maybe he thought I was the one drowning him. I wanted so badly to save him. I wanted him to see the beauty in him that I saw, but I was also afraid of going into the dark place with him.

People try to hide their descent into the dark place, but I know the look. I’ve seen the look too many times. When someone is on the precipice of the dark place. You always have to worry about them returning. It gets harder each time. I know the look of people who have given up trying to return from the dark place. Former clients who sunk further into the dark place, or harmed themselves or someone else. Colleagues who died by suicide. Friends who drown themselves in alcohol night after night. Friends who try to fill the void in their hearts with meaningless, casual sex and call it a connection. Once you’re in the dark place, it’s so hard to leave.

I wish I could describe the look, but the best I can describe it is vacancy tinged with fear, sadness, and a profound acceptance of the lies the dark place tells you. The knowing and acceptance is the terrifying part.

Maybe that’s why I do the work that I do, because I know the dark place so intimately. I’ve never known a life without the dark place. The dark place took my dad from me, and it was a slow and painful descent. I feel the tendrils of the dark place on the edge of my consciousness every day, too. It’s a constant battle to stay out of the dark place.

I want to save everyone, but I can’t do it at risk of losing myself to the dark place. That’s the challenge of this work, is that you aren’t always sure if you’re pulling someone out of the dark place, or if they’re pulling you in with them. This is why people burn out, it takes energy to stay out of the dark place. Not to go down with someone.

It is so easy to hate, and to do horrible things to one another. It takes effort, energy, desire, and investment to love people. It’s a conscious choice to stay out of the dark place, and risk the pain for the other side of it, which is true, unadulterated joy, love, and compassion. We do not reward love and compassion in the way we should.

I don’t know why I am like this. It would be so easy, in so many ways, to be dismissive of people. To point fingers of blame, shame, and loathing. It’s so easy to see people as static creatures, creators of their own pain. The reality is that we all have the dark place, but some people have more enticing dark places because of their life experiences, biological disposition, whatever. We have to help them stay out of the dark place, to show them that the dark place lies to them. We need you here, with us, loving. Sometimes, though, loving someone means letting go and seeing if they can pull themselves out of the dark place so they don't take you with them.

I haven't heard from my friend, which is unusual. I'm worried he's gone into the dark place.

I refuse to let the dark place take me, thought. I hope you refuse, too. I hope we can keep each other out of the dark place.