Outdoor Cats

My mind is a constant whirlwind of observations, thoughts, ideas (perhaps you can relate).

I get a lot of inspiration to write from conversations I have with the people in my life, but rarely take the time to really hash them out and put them down, and I’m working on being better about that. I had this conversation with a friend awhile back, and I’ve been marinating on it since. It's definitely been on my mind for a bit, and I hope I can do the idea justice. (Thank you, friend).

I’ve never felt like I fit in. There, I said it. Does anyone ever feel like they fit in? My life trajectory looked pretty traditional in a lot of ways. I went to college, got a job, got married, bought a house, had a kid. I never felt settled though. I worked too much, filled all of my time with things to do. I hated being home, I always wanted to be on the go. The reality though is that I never wanted most of these traditionally wonderful things in my life. I wanted different things. I didn’t pursue them. My brain works differently. I still feel like most people don’t really know what to “do” with me.

I made a lot of jokes about being a flight risk, and fell deeper and deeper into an unsettling depression. I had panic attacks, couldn’t sleep. I worked more to cover the increasing anxiety and kept forcing myself to try and fit in more. Deeply repressed all of my childhood ideas and dreams for what I thought I was supposed to want. In essence, I hid myself.

Then COVID hit, and I couldn’t be busy any more. Mortality slapped us all in the face. Guess what, I had to sit with my thoughts and feelings, and they all came to a head all at once.

A diagnosis of depression and ADHD, a separation, impending divorce. Thinking about new careers and being forced to evaluate my values and goals. Learning to single parent, date, navigate middle career, and most importantly, figure out who I was, what I wanted, and how to drown out the noise of what I was supposed to want, what I was supposed to be doing.

My choices in life, by not being true to myself, have impacted people and caused them great pain. I will work on forgiving myself for that in time.

But, a lifetime of suppressing the real me, and now the future is wide open. I have an opportunity to live my life as a more authentic version of myself.

I think there are many people who are content to live life as others do, as society dictates. I also think there’s a subset of those people who seem content who fear to live life as they want. Then there are the people who embrace their uniqueness, who embrace freedom and unknown in the pursuit of their authentic self in a way that’s different from society’s norms.

So why the title about the outdoor cat?

A friend shared a story with me about how a girlfriend ended their relationship by referring to their differences as herself as an indoor cat, and my friend as an outdoor cat. The analogy immediately resonated with me.

In my interpretation, and of course yours may vary, an indoor cat is domesticated, content to lay in the sun and have meals prepared and presented. The indoor cat doesn’t desire the outdoors, will likely live a very contented but simple and uncomplicated life. They’ll do what the other indoor cats do, and be happy with the stability, love, and support of their home.

Of course, there are some indoor cats who want to be outdoor cats that for whatever reason, make the decision not to escape, or are held back from escaping.

The outdoor cats feel restrained by the expectations of being an indoor cat. They’re the adventure seekers, the ones who feel more at home outside of the confines of society’s expectations.

As a person, they may have been made to feel ashamed or guilty of their thoughts, their desires, their goals.

“You can’t do that.” “Why don’t you want kids?” “You can’t do that job, you’ll get sick of traveling so much.” “You’re too much.” “You’re too independent.” “When are you getting married?” “You’re… complicated.” (sorry, maybe these are just things I heard growing up).

It was in that moment, that my friend was talking about his breakup, that I realized I was an outdoor cat too. I had been moonlighting as an indoor cat. I was that indoor cat staring longingly out the window, scratching at the door, dreaming of freedom and adventure, not a life of domestic bliss. I wasn’t sure why, as an indoor cat, I hissed at people who got close to me.

This realization had and has repercussions. That’s for another blog. I’m definitely not saying this is an easy or desirable place, but it is the reality. Now I have to accept and realign my plans, goals, and choices with my authentic self, and figure out a way to navigate my choices. I have to learn to listen to myself and my inner value compass.

This isn’t a binary, and you get to be your own definition of an outdoor cat. There are different kinds, of course. My sister-in-law tells me she’s happy being an indoor cat with a catio. Interpret that as you’d like. I’m sure there are indoor cats who escape once in a while, get their fill, and come back inside.

I told my friend that my observation of his outdoor cat persona is that’s he’s the friendly outdoor cat that everyone loves, but no one can tame. He’ll let you feed him, pet him, he’ll rub up against your leg, but he decides who picks him up and loves him. He’ll get what he needs and be on his merry way to do his own outdoor cat thing. Everyone in the neighborhood thinks he’s theirs, but he has other ideas.

I’m more like the hissing outdoor cat hiding behind a dumpster, but I’m sure that will change as I get more used to being outside again.

Of course, there are downsides to being an outdoor cat. They’re hesitant to trust because they’ve been hurt before, they may lash out to protect themselves. They don’t have the same guidelines and expectations so there are no rules, which is a blessing and a curse. They may be shunned or ignored by those who prefer the existence of the indoor cat, be disregarded and cast off as strays, the unlovable, the wild ones. There may be a misunderstanding that they don’t need anyone or anything. The risk of harm is much greater, and they have to learn how to fight. One can expect to be hurt and at times lonely as an outdoor cat. They may not be the warm fuzzy kitty you want, and you can’t necessarily expect them to be there when you want them to be (although all cats are always a bit prickly, aren’t they?). Outdoor cats may not play well with others, even when they need to.

My understanding is that you slowly start to cultivate other outdoor cats who can give you some help navigating the great outdoors, but ultimately it is up to you to decide how outdoorsy you want to be. That can be hard too, to calibrate how much of an outdoor cat you are. Your experience is yours, and no one else’s.

I don’t think you really get to choose if you’re an outdoor cat. You can be an indoor cat that should be an outdoor cat, but I don’t think you can be an outdoor cat and be happy as an indoor cat. You get to choose whether or not you realize you are an outdoor cat, though.

Some people will read this blog and have no idea what I’m going on about. That’s ok, this isn’t for them. This is for the people who, like me, hear about being an outdoor cat, and go, “oh.” I also think it’s important to see that I do not have everything figured out. If this resonates, let’s open that door and get outside.

This one’s a call to the other outdoor cats. Let’s get you outside. Meow.