The light at the end of the tunnel, or the train? Reflections on 2021.

I had a clinical supervisor once who told me in regards to some of our psychiatric clients and their progress, “There’s a light at the end of the tunnel. Be careful, sometimes it’s the train.”

Well, for me 2021 was the train.

I head into 2022 scared. I know that the experience of the forced slowdown of the pandemic has changed me. While these changes feel like an abrupt and overwhelming shift in my core sense of self, in retrospect I see the subtle signs that the train was coming. So, while I feel like I got hit by a train, in reality I’ve been seeing the light of the train for a while. Hell, I probably heard the blare of the horn and turned my back.

You can’t really do that to a train.

This year, I put my physical health first. I prioritized making my body stronger. I did not prioritize work, for the first time in my life. This felt strange, but like many things this year, I surprised myself by what I was capable of doing. I’m starting this coaching business in 2022; it’s just time to take the leap.

I spent a month back in California, where I used to live. Walking, spending time by the ocean, and thinking about the fact that I’ve spent most of my life hurtling from one goal to another. Spending time with family, friends, and the love of my life – my three-year-old daughter. I watched her run and laugh in the waves, and my inner child cried at her joy. My inner child cried at the lack of my own joy. I cried at the whispers of discontent that grow louder each day. My values are changing, shifting. Dormant parts of myself are begging for me to listen to them. Can I be brave enough to listen? They’re starting to yell. They screamed at me when I was in California.

I can’t remember the last time I felt this raw. Perhaps, I have never felt this raw.

The hardest part for me is not hurtling toward comfort or distraction, and allowing myself to sit with the pain and discomfort. My daughter sings this little ditty about a bear hunt, and the obstacles one would encounter. It goes, “You can’t go over it, you can’t go under it, you have to go through it.” I sing this to myself daily as I grit my teeth and try to hold on. I eye my prescription for Ativan, but I don’t take it. Even deeply painful emotions are important to feel, and while I don’t like how they feel, there is a comfort in knowing that I can listen and process these emotions.

It is terrifying, really, to not know what the next steps are. There is something powerful in knowing that you have choices, but there is also great trepidation in a part of your psyche knowing that the road ahead is probably not what you envisioned.

Some lessons I learned this year:

· Work brings some value to my life, but it doesn’t have to bring all

· I can always get stronger

· We are always healing, and it is not a linear process

· Sometimes you’ll be on a lonely path of self-discovery and some of us engage in it more than others

· Sometimes the lesson in our experiences doesn’t reveal itself, or fit into your narrative for a while. It takes time to make sense of the chaos

· I value authentic people who live in genuine, open minded ways

· I value action-oriented people who engage in self-discovery and learning

· Sometimes, you will have an experience that will knock your world off its axis and it will be when you least expect it – but in retrospect, all the signs were there that it was coming

· I have put in work to develop fantastic friendships that transcend time and distance, and that has paid off in dividends this year

· The heart, soul, whatever you want to call it wants what it wants despite you telling it otherwise

All I have going in to 2022 is an intention to learn about myself. To listen to the inner turmoil. To spend more time with beautiful, complex things and interesting people who light my soul on fire with their authenticity and presence. To allow myself to not be perfect in endeavors I take on and allow myself the privilege of failure, because to fail means you had the opportunity to try. To be humbled and strengthened by new experiences, but not to punish myself with them.

I share all of this with you because no one has it all figured out, and I value my authenticity and genuineness in the struggle of life.

Does any of this resonate with you?

I suppose this is a lot, but I’d say if I had to summarize, it’s here’s to embracing what fear and anxiety tell me in 2022. Here's to living bolder and with intention, with eyes wide open.

See you there. May 2022 bring you a light at the end of the tunnel, instead of a train.